Wait for it....wait for it........NOW!

Sometimes there are things that I want to mention on the blog, but the topics are too close to an event or incident. And I don't want to talk about a specific incident or make anyone feel like I'm talking about them. So I save up all of these topics in my head. And I think now is a good time to bring them up.

I'm not talking about anyone specific, especially anyone who reads this blog. (Unless Jennifer Garner reads this blog.) So no hurt feelings, 'kay?

VALENTINE'S DAY: Around February 14th, you hear a lot of people mentioning "Valentine's Day". You also hear a lot of people mentioning "Valentime's Day". Every year I get a little confused as to why people pronounce it with an 'M'. I will usually look it up online to make sure I'm not missing some new pronunciation for the word. I'm not. Maybe it's auditory learners who pronounce it with an 'M' because it can sound like "Valentime's". But it's not.

This year, it was Jennifer Garner who said "Valentime's Day" in the movie "Valentine's Day". So I threw my pocket hatchet at the movie screen and ripped her face in half. But don't worry. It doesn't bother me that much.

ILLINOIS: On that note, the 'S' in Illinois is supposed to be silent. I'm not pointing anyone specific out, just generally mentioning the 68.2% of residents who pronounced the 'S' while I lived there. The 'S' is pronounced so much that I think it's almost an acceptable pronunciation, so no worries if it's too hard to break the habit.

BIRTHDAYS/NEW BABIES/CONGRATULATIONS,ETC.: I am super horrible when it comes to remembering, calling, and recognizing people's birthdays, new babies, graduations, or anything that deserves recognition. If this is how you define friendship, than I am a super horrible friend. And I'm sorry. I wish I were better. It's just something that I never remember to do because it just doesn't dawn on me. Everyone's personalities are so different, and this part of mine is different from most everyone else's.

The good news is if you forget to call or recognize me for any reason, I'm okay with that. No offense, literally. It goes both ways. But if you do call or congratulate me for something, know that it makes me feel so special and incredible because it was completely unexpected.

PHONE CALLS: When I am on the phone with a friend, I enjoy myself. I enjoy talking to you and catching up. But getting on the phone is another matter entirely. My genetic code has instilled in me an extreme aversion to holding the telephone. (Just try getting my Dad on the phone.) I avoid the telephone like it's covered in vomit. And the ringing of the telephone sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me.

So, if you left me a phone message asking what color hair dye I use, don't be surprised or offended if Jakob calls you back to let you know it's L'Oreal Superior Preference Permanent Haircolor, Natural, Dark Brown 4 (Penelope Cruz's signature shade). Don't take it personal.

Jakob makes a lot of my phone calls. He even calls my own family for me. I love him so much. I didn't even know his phone number or call him until we had already been dating for two months. He knew what I was when he picked me up.

THE THIRD PERSON: There is nothing wrong with writing about yourself in the third person. In fact, most people write about themselves in the third person in their Christmas Cards every year. And I LOVE getting Christmas Cards! So keep them coming.

What makes me uncomfortable is when people go on and on about how great they are in the third person. "Jane Doe is a beautiful, smart, intelligent mother who is a fantastic gardener and talented gymnast." Take it easy, Jane Doe. Jane is trying to trick us into thinking that somebody else wrote these things about her. But unless you hire out the writing of your Christmas Card, Jane, we all know it's you. So grab a piece of humble pie on the way to the gymnasium.

In my opinion, the two appropriate options are:

1. Write in the third person, but take more of a humble, self-deprecating tone. "Sally enjoys staying at home with her kids, but only because she reads or surfs the internet for four hours a day. She is really great at scrapbooking, but her cooking leaves much to be desired."

2. Go ahead and love yourself, but take ownership and write it in the first person. "I have so many friends, it's hard to find the time to hang out with all of them. I'm a really incredible mother and my kids love me so much. I am super funny and pretty much good at everything I do." This is the option I choose for myself.

DEFENSE OF CELEBRITIES: We all have our favorite celebrities and celebrities we don't like so much. Sometimes you may find yourself in a situation where someone is talking bad about your favorite celebrity, saying that they are super lame and ugly and have no talent. They are saying this RIGHT TO YOUR FACE, even though they know you love this celebrity. When this happens..............you need to take it easy.

These celebrities are not your friends. They are not your family. There is no need to take people's opinions of celebrities personally. People like and dislike celebrities the way they like and dislike foods. It's purely a matter of opinion and taste, and there is no need to get offended.

I've been in many-o-conversations where people are bashing my BFF Celine Dion or my lover, Joaquin Phoenix. Like water off a duck's back. I don't take it personal, and I would hope that everyone could say the same.

Does this topic suggest that I spend a lot of time talking about and bashing celebrities? Does that bother or offend you? If you answered yes, please reread "DEFENSE OF CELEBRITIES."

Signing off until the next perfect time between events or incidents!